How to Live a Life Without Regrets
What is the secret that can show you how to live forever? What does Martial Arts have to do with?
Dear friend,
Happy New Year! What you’re about to read is a secret that will save you from a life of regret and show you how to live forever.
Please pay careful attention, and don’t be fooled by its simplicity.
You’re about to read something heretical in some circles. Ludicrous in others. But for a few, it’s the greatest treasure. I’ll even have to ask some of you to hold your judgments. Especially those of you who are atheist or religious.
It took me years to figure this out. I’m going to reveal something that most of you already know but bear with me because it’s always helpful to refresh your memory, especially at the beginning of a new year.
And anyway, it all leads to me explaining the secret to living a meaningful life without regrets.
Let’s get into it.
As you may or may not know, I teach Brazilian jiu-jitsu at the academy and also teach private classes—meaning 1-on-1 sessions with individuals. During these private sessions, one of the questions I like to ask my clients is: “If you wanted to train until you physically couldn’t get up out of bed anymore, what’s the most important thing you would have to have?”
The answers vary.
Some say good physical health. Others say performance-enhancing drugs like TRT or BPC 157. Others mention diet.
Some will say a supportive academy with good coaches.
And so on.
After my clients finish telling me what they see as the crucial key to longevity, I say something like, “Even if you had that, plus (and I’ll mention one of the other common answers), if you don’t have this one thing you won’t last 2 years.”
“What is it?” They ask.
“The most important thing you need,” I reply, “Is the love of the game!”
Think about it.
If you love Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (and/or martial arts generally), you will find a way to train even if you don’t have anyone around you or any academy to train at.
Why is falling in love with the game the most important thing?
Imagine starting Jiu-Jitsu training for the first time this week. You attend three classes per week, and in every single class, upper belts crush you during live (rolling) sparring.
Your ego takes a beating.
Without the love of the game, you wouldn’t last more than six months. I say this from witnessing many individuals who walk onto the mat with inflated egos, thinking they can crush anyone only to quickly find out how helpless they are against trained practitioners.
When you cling to your ego, falling in love with the game becomes impossible because pride prevents you from accepting reality and learning.
When I began Jiu-Jitsu, there was a successful personal trainer who started training Jiu-Jitsu at the same time. Let’s call him Michael. Michael attended classes and had two private sessions with our coach each week. He was significantly bigger than me back then—I was 145 lbs, he was 205 lbs. (I’m now hovering at 185 lbs. I wrote about my transformation here).
Michael was jacked to the gills. During our sparring sessions, he often won the exchanges.
But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. Around the fifth month of training, I began winning our exchanges. By the sixth month, I consistently came out on top.
Then something happened… Michael started attending fewer classes. When suddenly…
He stopped showing up at all. I asked the coach where Michael disappeared, and he remorsefully replied, “Michael told me he was quitting training. He was frustrated that smaller guys were beating him. I told him this was part of the journey but he didn’t want to listen… Unfortunately, his pride got the best of him.”
You can’t learn if you lack humility.
Pride is the enemy.
Had Michael let go of his pride and fallen in love with the martial art, he’d be a formidable sparring partner today.
But, of course, this is not only about martial arts.
This applies to all areas of your life.
Have you heard the story of the rich man and the Buddha?
The story goes: A wealthy man wanted to impress the Buddha with his wisdom and generosity. The man visited Buddha and gifted him many fine jewels. The Buddha thanked him for his generosity and invited the rich man for tea.
As the Buddha poured tea into the rich man’s cup… he didn’t stop!
“Can’t you see the cup is full? You’re wasting tea!” The rich man shouted.
“You are this cup. You are full of pride, full of yourself, your wealth, your status, and your knowledge. How can I teach a man who is already full? How can you learn if you’re not willing to empty yourself of your attachments? To understand the way, you must first empty your cup,” the Buddha calmly responded.
The Buddha saw through the rich man’s intention—he was not here to learn.. only to show off.
When your pride guards the gate to your mind, you can’t learn anything… and more importantly, you can’t fall in love with wisdom.
You know very well this isn’t new information… the wise from all walks of life have expressed this same idea in slightly different ways. They teach that when you fall in love with wisdom, life begins. Until that point, you’re aimlessly carried downstream by the current of culture. Society predetermines your choices, dreams, desires and preferences.
Liberation is found in humility. And only through humility, you find wisdom. And in wisdom, you realize merely existing is not living.
In the words of Marcus Aurelius, “It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” Aurelius recognizes that only through wisdom do you find the courage to live.
And adding to this Lao Tzu imparts, “A man with outward courage dares to die, a man with inward courage dares to live.”
A consistent theme runs through the wisdom of the enlightened:
Embrace life with unyielding conviction.
But you can only do this if you fall in love… with life. It’s just like falling in love with martial arts. When you shed your pride and welcome humility, there’s immense joy in the daily practice, much like the exhilaration found in being present in this moment.
Yamamoto Tsumetomo, a Samurai and Zen Buddhist priest said, “A man’s life is only a vapour that vanishes in an instant. One should spend his life doing that which he enjoys. As short as life is, it is foolish to spend it doing only the things one hates.”
Amor fati!
This is Latin for “love of one’s fate”. It means fully embracing everything that happens in your life without reserve. Why is this important? I’m glad you asked. Nietzsche’s self-proclaimed doctrine is the idea of eternal recurrence.
Imagine a demon visits you and declares that you will have to relive your life exactly as you have lived it, including “every pain and every joy”, over and over again, for eternity.
Do you curse or kiss this demon?
Can you repeat your life over and over for eternity?
You can repeat your life over and over for eternity… only if you love life and are doing things that give meaning.
In his latest work, Be Useful, Arnold Schwarzenegger echoes a similar sentiment. Living up to your full potential involves embracing amor fati.
So Schwarzenegger declares,“This life isn’t a dress rehearsal, it’s not a practice or a training session, it’s the real thing. It’s the only one you have. So see it… and then be it.” Live each moment as if every detail might repeat for eternity. Do it all with the might of your whole being.
But achieving personal greatness alone is not the complete answer. Schwarzenegger came to this realization through a profound experience—his involvement in supporting the Special Olympics.
“I was filled with a kind of joy that was almost spiritual. It was so overwhelming I was confused. I hadn’t made money. This wasn’t a move that advanced my career… if I’m being honest, it didn’t feel like I was doing all that much in terms of exertion or sacrifice. So why was I this happy?”
This was something more potent than ambition and transcended individual accomplishment.
Are you starting to get it?
This isn’t the secret, but it is part of it.
The curse and blessing of this life is that to gain wisdom you must embrace life’s “every pain and every joy.”
The first drop of wisdom is found in the very act of affirming that life is a vapour that vanishes in an instant.
Every December since 2017, I’m reminded of the fragility of life. My son Kazingram would have turned six this month. In my reflections, I understand that life consists of moments delicately stacked upon each other. Only this moment exists, not tomorrow. You live in the present, not the future. When you realize this you have nothing to fear, not even death.
Your call is to live in this moment with your whole being present, enjoying the beauty of nature, the joy of creativity, and the warmth of love. And just as you don’t try to pick up water, don’t try to hold onto the moment.
Instead, immerse yourself in the moment, like you immerse yourself in a bath.
You're nodding your head, thinking, “This doesn’t sound heretical or ludicrous. What am I missing?”
Perhaps you’re already one of the few who treasure the greatest secret.
Now you know loving life makes the biggest difference.
But don’t mistake loving life with living selfishly.
Remember, there is no room for pride. A selfish man only thinks of himself and is willing to disregard others in his dogged pursuit of his goals. You can’t love life and treat others poorly.
They are mutually exclusive.
When you love life, you want to share it with everyone.
C.S. Lewis said it best: “I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation.”
Lewis continues, “It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are; the delight is incomplete till it is expressed. It is frustrating to have discovered a new author and not to be able to tell anyone how good he is; to come suddenly, at the turn of the road, upon some mountain valley of unexpected grandeur and then to have to keep silent because the people with you care for it no more than for a tin can in the ditch; to hear a good joke and find no one to share it with. . . .”
When you attain the secret you can’t help but share it with others.
So, what is the secret? There is nothing more important in life than love.
It doesn’t matter what anyone says. Without love, everything is useless. As Thomas Aquinas wrote, “To love God is more excellent than to know him.”
For some this is heresy. For others this is ludicrous. But for a few, it’s the greatest treasure.
And that’s why St. Paul writes:
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to death, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now, we see only a reflection in a mirror dimly, but then we shall see face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully, just as I also have been fully known.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
— 1 Corinthians 13
The key to unlocking the secret is humility.
As you march into 2024, may this new year be filled with love. And in whatever you do, I hope you immerse yourself in living every moment with great love.
Till next week,
Peace!
I.J. Makan
P.S. If this article resonates with you, I encourage you to check out the Becoming Antifragile podcast.
P.P.S. This week, I studied ‘Be Useful’ Schwarzenegger’s new book for episode 009: How to Achieve Your Dreams and Find Meaning - Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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